For the first time since I started this blog, I forgot about posting first thing in the morning. I’m in my hotel room, logged on while Ron is in the shower and I was surprised by my daily calendar reminder.
I’ve got a lot on my mind. It’s about taking personal responsibility. It’s about not waiting.
It’s also the karmic thoughtfulness that often comes after an intensely lovely and loving occasion like yesterdays wedding. Gets you thinking about all kinds of things.
I remembered at the wedding last night that one of the strongest signs that the marriage to my 2nd husband was over when, at another wedding, it didn’t matter to me whether or not we sat together. I’d spent most of our marriage looking for him and hoping for some connection. He spent most of his time looking for other people to admire him. We went to a wedding and as soon as I got out of the car, I walked in, spotted some friends and happily enjoyed the romantic occasion with them. I have no idea where he sat. Being close to my partner in hopes that some of the love would wash over us – as happens at the best weddings – no longer mattered to me. I’d had enough of hoping for that.
This wasn’t a bittersweet memory for me. Just a memory. But, it ties into something on my mind a lot lately. Taking personal responsibility for my happiness. Not waiting for anyone else to come along and fill the hole in my heart. Realizing that there isn’t a hole in my heart any longer.
There’s a song with the chorus “That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change. That’s just the way it is. But don’t you believe it.” I believe it. There are some things that are just the way they are. I’ve never been able to change them, no matter how much I want to. But, I don’t believe that those things have to hurt me. I may long for a change. I may be wistful and feel romantic. But, I don’t have to ever feel bad about the way things are ever again.
Oh, I probably will. But maybe a little less often.
Susan Scot Fry
ps. GREAT wedding last night. Full of love and laughs and people who are more stunningly beautiful than they can ever imagine.
Update… Clarification. My observation about the death knells of my 2nd marriage are not a portent of my 3rd and final marriage. Ron is the love of my life and being a social butterfly is in his DNA. We hang out a while and then he’s off chatting with people he doesn’t get to see every day. I’m lucky. I get to see him every day. I can’t be selfish.
So, no there was no subtext / comment on the state of my marriage hidden in this post.