I spent almost 2 years of my life giving birth to this baby. To Shakespeare in the Park. There are many other people who gave extraordinary amounts of their time and effort as well but, I can’t go through their process for them. I can only go through mine.
Right now, I swear the closest way to describe how I feel is grief. This is a bit hard for me to accept, but there it is.
This ‘grief-thing’ is hard to accept because the result of all the effort is so glorious. So mind-blowing. So much more successful than I dreamed. I don’t want to taint it by admitting that I’m going through some hard times right now. But, it’s true. It’s no-one’s fault – not even my own. It’s just what it is. And it will pass.
Let’s see, according to recover-from-grief.com…
1. Shock and Denial – check
2. Pain and Guilt – check. And add a heavy dose of Overwhelmed-edness here.
3. Anger and Bargaining – check (easily and constantly. the blog-rant I wrote yesterday, then erased and re-wrote was an embarrassing stream of vitriol before I chucked it.)
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness – uh, yeah. The depression and loneliness is harsh. I’m going to elaborate a wee here. Here’s what the website says about this stage:
“Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning friends. Encouragement to move on and get over it is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.”
It was also very, very helpful to read that this depression isn’t like the chemical-gimme-Zoloft depression. It’s temporary. I feel that’s true. So…. back to the 7 stages…
5. The Upward Turn – oh please oh please oh please
6. Reconstruction and Working Through – (no skipping ahead, Susan)
7. Acceptance and Hope (woo-hooo! looking forward to this one.)
Maybe passages are just that – passages. Maybe if I accept that a passage has happened, it will be easier. I suspect the answer is that it will be – at least marginally.
I read about stage 4 yesterday and was relieved. I let myself feel the depression and stopped freaking out and berating myself for feeling like that. Between that acceptance and immersing myself in a new Stieg Larrson novel, it made the time much easier. It also made it much easier to realize that it’s temporary. I’m not entering a new, permanent and craptacular phase of life.
There will never be a “before” again.
There will be a future, though. I’m starting to look forward to it. In due time.
Susan Scot Fry
Update… It’s so indicative of my personality. Possibly a more accurate description is post partum depression. But, I’m so attracted to lists. Grief has gotten so much coverage that it’s universally understood that there are 7 stages. I love being able to count them off….