I’ve written and erased. Lots of second guessing this morning whether or not to say what’s on my mind. There’s this huge weight of self-censure on my chest. As a result, this post will be rambly, but I’ve decided to stop polishing the turd and get on with it.
I want to sort through all the stuff (people, things, circumstances…) that I’ve encountered in the last couple of days and the clock is ticking. I’ve got one more full day here and the reality is, it won’t make a bit of difference. I think.
What can I do today that will help me be the kind of person I want to be? For starters, I can stop letting wave after wave of disapproval roll off me, that’s for sure. It’s like poison.
It’s totally defensive. I could just say what’s on my mind, but that is a commitment to future conversation and involvement. It’s not fair to just dump on someone and not give them the chance to dump back. If I open that door, I gotta be ready to dance. And to mix my metaphors. Well, check that off the list.
Hang on, that’s not true. I have been saying what’s on my mind. Some of the time. Except when I disapprove. Aha.
My control mechanism is to leave. I’ll be doing that tomorrow afternoon. Until then, I guess I’ll keep showing up.
You know what else I can do? I can stop being so hard on myself. I seem to have no problem telling you what I’ve done wrong. Where I’m flawed. Well, I’m sick and tired of being my own whipping boy.
Here’s what’s killing me. I am confronted and surrounded by the unfathomable sense of Need that drove me away in the first place. I used to live here. When you have nothing, you feel nothing but need. It’s a bottomless pit.
Well, I don’t live here anymore. I have an abundant and grateful life. Can I tell you what a miracle that is? Well, I’m going to. It’s a miracle.
You know what else I can do? Teach a man to fish.
Susan Scot Fry
Update… I wrote this on a comment reply, but it sums up so much confusion. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what I can do, but have been stuck on what I wanted to do instead. Once I gave up pounding my head on the “but what I want to do…” wall, clarity started to seep in.
I can’t fix anything or anyone. Whew. That’s a load off. And, it’s a load I already knew better than to try to carry. Oh, those things that keep creeping up… 🙂
I can tell my Mom that I’ve got a good life. That I’m happy. That I am loved and that I love people. That I have purpose, abundance and gratitude. She will consider that a personal success and she should. Then, I’ll leave and she’ll forget that I was there. And that doesn’t matter one whit.
Someday, I’ll tell you about my visit with her yesterday morning. There are still dents in her wall in the shape of my head and I’ve got a hellova lump. And, I’m laughing and crying all at the same time right… Now!