I started to write something really defensive and my alarm bells rang. Yes, that was the noise you just heard. The tearing sound that immediately that followed was me stopping myself.
Why am I feeling defensive? In ‘the most obvious answer is usually the truth’ category, I’m starting to ramp up for my visit to Mom this weekend. Is that it?
Hmmm… Yep. My throat just constricted and my heart started racing.
I suspect that this may be the last time I see her when there’s a possibility that she’ll know who I am. Even then, I still won’t be able to say the things I want to say to her. I won’t be able to ask her the questions that I want to ask. Not that I’m afraid to. I simply doubt her ability to answer them. And, unless I’m really looking for answers, the only other reason to ask would be to cause her pain. And, I don’t want to do that.
A lovely woman recently wrote just to tell me that she’d heard about what I was going through and to express her support. I thought, wow that is so wonderful and so kind. And, I was a little bewildered, but I’m not anymore. I’ve allowed it to seep in. I’ve allowed the pain to break through and start flowing on it’s natural course.
Thank you, Nicole. Thank you, everyone. I’m going to see my Mom in a few days and I’m going to do the best I can. And I’m going to do it for all of us. I’m going to do it consciously and with love. It hurts and that’s okay. It’s cleansing some muck out of the way.
Here’s to admitting that it hurts and letting it. It’s the only way for it not to anymore.
Susan Scot Fry
Update… I’m okay. Thanks for letting me feel bad.
I also woke up this morning and discovered a splinter in my finger from clearing a bit of brush yesterday. Also Mom’s fault. 🙂 She’s has such a love for getting filthy in the garden. Me too.